I have a horrible confession that is also sadly a humble brag: I played Baby Shark on a ukulele and my son finally likes me.

I bought Topo Chico at the food co-op I’ll understand if you call the cops on me 😔😔😔

I added micro herbs from my potted garden to the macaroni salad my neighbor just gave me from their memorial day bbq. Someone please lock me up.

I’m going to macerate some umeboshi with cane sugar, then add Roku gin and topo chico to it and call it the Japanese Settler. Someone please lock me up.

I literally played a tambourine with Indian temple brushes and wasn’t embarrassed about it for a whole hour. I have written an entire novel about insufferable hipsters and yet I am so enragingly good at being one.

when do i become a real person

What is the most hipster bs you have done that you are completely ambivalent about? Like, exactly equally excited and embarrassed about?

If none of you relate to this question I will literally fill my macrame air plant holders with painted stones and wear it like a shawl and jump off the Williamsburg bridge

My hipster tweets are brought to you by “Mare of Easttown”