I’d always rather be the person who crushes. That is, if I had to choose between fawning and being fawned upon, I’d always rather be the one who is madly in love than the one who is madly beloved. I hope I’m the person who desires, who says they want something; not the one who is desired or wanted. If I had to choose a side.

Fait voir is a really nice way to ask to see something you’re up to. If only I could show you what happens if. Isn’t it funny that if and yes are the same word in French.

Ideally—because thinking in ideal terms is necessary when you are also in the realm of hypothesis—ideally, my feelings are reciprocated, but again all this is only if I had to choose. Thankfully hypotheticals are pointless. A free imagination is based in what’s already happened. Because woof what an awful hypothesis it is to imagine you have no clue. A hypothesis I dwell upon often, so, woof indeed. I’d always rather be the one who has a crush and not the person who is being crushed.

This means that I am, in fact, wondering if.

My body is a wreck today. I threw my back out really badly. I can barely bend without wincing. Unrelatedly, I have a sore throat that is irritating my inner ear and also unrelatedly (I think), my ear has been ringing like I listened to something dangerously loud all week. My chin has broken out in a weird acne pattern that’s making my whole face tingle, and I’ve gained several pounds from the lethargy of holiday breaking, drilled myself into a micro-depression binge-watching fantasy romances, which I really wish didn’t bother me but I also want world peace and can’t do anything about that either.

Hence, I have wanted desperately the last few days, to feel beautiful, and when I want that, I want someone else to provide me the evidence of it. I ask for a lot but that’s how I break my body in the first place. We desirous are stupid like that. So I settle for the hypothesis of when beauty meets you like a polarity, like a wax salve, like a word. Effective but never penetrating because it’s still just a hypothesis.

Fait voir si.